YES and NO are the two most basic human responses to internal or external stimuli. The gap between these two, diametrically-opposed positions from acceptance to rejection, covers a wide range of emotional states from an energetic and enthusiastic YES to a vehement and forceful NO.
Our whole being: mind, body, and spirit, is directly affected by experiences of agreement with and rejection to the stimulus received and our response to it in a continuous stimulus – response feedback loop.
It is by becoming aware of how we receive the response to our YES or NO response to a stimulus, that creates in us the reflex of acceptance and/or resignation.
At the heart of whether we accept or resign ourselves to a particular position is the critical perception of whether we feel like we’ve been heard.
How does the impact of whether we accept or resign ourselves to reality affect our energy and our ability to act? In other words, does the situation make us feel empowered or disempowered? It’s as simple as that!
Acceptance is an attitude of willing agreement.
The state of acceptance by itself does not guarantee engagement or commitment to action. Acceptance however is a pre-condition for responsible action.
Accepting the reality of your situation does not require an emotional response. What is, simply is – an emotionally neutral position.
Resignation to the situation on the other hand, carries emotional baggage, an attitude of regret, attachment, frustration etc which creates resistance, consumes energy and may lead to passive aggressive behavior.
If, on the other hand, we are aware of the dynamics of the situation, and willingly shift perspective to consciously accept the situation we retain our ability to act from a position of strength, with confidence.
From *www.merriam-webster.com
Acceptance*:
1: an agreeing either expressly or by conduct to the act or offer of another so that a contract is concluded and the parties become legally bound
2: the quality or state of being accepted or acceptable
3: the act of accepting
Accept
2 a: to endure without protest or reaction <accept poor living conditions>1 a: to receive willingly <accept a gift> b: to be able or designed to take or hold (something applied or added)
3 a: to make a favorable response to <accept an offer> b: to agree to undertake (a responsibility) <accept a job>
Resignation
1a: an act or instance of resigning something: surrender
2: the quality or state of being resigned: submissiveness
Example #1: A scenario from everyday life.
An adult who visits his friend on a weekly basis, asked his friend’s 8 year old son if he could dismantle his lego building. Not waiting to receive a response from the son, the visitor dismantled the lego building. The son withdrew for the remainder of the visit. A week later, when the mom mentioned the visitor was coming to tea that afternoon, the son responded with a despondent “oh no, not him! I hate him!” dropped his head and cleared away his lego tower in silence.
Consider the following reflective questions:
- What power dynamic is present in this scenario?
- Was the son’s position heard?
- What UAC (underlying automatic commitment) may the scenario have initiated in the son?
- Did the son accept his reality or resign himself to it?
- As a caring parent or family member, what could you offer that would empower the son to accept the situation rather than resign to it?
Example #2*: Hillsdale Land Corp, a property developer, wants to double the size of a village of 493 situated on Lake Simcoe, north of Barrie, Ontario, by building 1,600 residential units, 400 hotel rooms, a golf course, conference centre and 1,000-slip marina.
Concerned Residents, after achieving limited concessions from Hillsdale Land Corp (reducing the number of residential units after public consultations, and including an 87-hectare stretch of protected land), took their battle to the Ontario Municipal Board (OMB), an agency of the Provincial government. They realized they needed tens of thousands of dollars to mount an effective OMB case, yet were unable to even afford a lawyer.
The Developer asked the OMB to order ratepayers opposing the project, and their lawyers, to pay $3.6 million in legal fees and consulting costs for an OMB hearing that lasted almost four months. Since the development battle began five years ago, Kimvar/Geranium, the parent company of Hillsdale Land Corp, has launched four civil lawsuits, seeking more than $100 million in damages.
When OMB hearings began Jan. 7, 2008 Concerned Residents of Hillsdale (CROH) gave up its status as a party opposing the development. CROH felt it had to soften its position to protect residents from litigation.
The OMB’s rules flatly state: “There must be no threats to potential appellants that costs will be requested. This could prevent opponents who have different but sincerely held opinions from exercising their right to appeal.”
* http://www.thestar.com/article/302135 (From an article in the Toronto Star, February 10, 2008)
Consider the following reflective questions:
- What effect did the Developer’s threat of financial action have on members of CROH?
- Does the action taken by CROH reflect a position of acceptance or resignation? Please explain.
- What pattern of behavior in members of CROH has the scenario initiated?
- How would you describe the actions taken by the Developer?
- How does the context of this scenario – the decision making process impact on full, unbiased participation? How is this relevant to coaching?
Frameworks help in Decision Making
Knowing how decisions are made and the criteria which guides the decision-making process can help us determine our role and relationship and guide us in designing our response.
If we are unclear about our position, feel coerced, conflicted or obliged to take a particular position to accommodate others, we may falter through lack of courage or lack of clarity as to values, and we become resigned to a position that is not truly our own – inadvertently giving in to the stronger flow, unable to stay true to our own conviction or position.
In this sense, resignation has happened to us. We may be unaware that this has happened and how it came to be and yet we feel a loss of energy and focus; frustration – a feeling of weakness and loss of power.
Knowing what You Need to Know is to be Empowered
An empowered response, whether Yes or No, is one where we understand and accept the situation fully. Our commitment is backed by our values, we are grounded and firm in our position, do not waver, and are able to act with conviction and energy.
Resignation, on the other hand, is a luke-warm position that leads to a non-committal position and results in a loss of energy. Resignation may lead to a position of unconscious resistance (taking energy) recognized as passive aggressive behavior or conscious resistance as active opposition – a position in which you’ve accepted reality but rejected the situation.
Example #3:
A young mother, on a limited budget, has strong feelings of anxiety and fatigue whenever she goes to the supermarket. Her 4-year-old regularly throws a tantrum at the cash register until his mother buys him whatever he happens to demand. The mother hates herself for caving in and buying her kid whatever he wants but doesn’t know how else to keep him quiet. She knows it’s not healthy for him, for her or her grocery budget yet can’t stand the scene he creates when she tries to resist.
Consider the following reflective questions:
- Is the mother conscious or unconscious of her position of resignation in this scenario?
- As a caring spouse, family member or fellow citizen, how could you help the mother shift her perspective to accept her situation?
- What reflective question or insightful comment could you offer the mother to enable her to accept the situation and become consciously aware of the dynamics in the relationship between herself and her son; aware she has a choice in how to manage the situation and regain her personal power.
Example #4:
A male researcher has been employed with a Library for 28 years. His manager (young & computer committed), is renovating the offices and wants to get rid of the card catalogue which takes up too much space and is redundant. The manager believes computer search technology can efficiently support the research function.
The researcher, who worked in the department before computers became the norm, knows from experience that the card catalogue can be useful and efficient in refining the search, provides a good back-up system (in case the computers crash), takes little room, yet acknowledges that its use has been limited to 8 – 10 searches in the last 6 months. He suspects the real reason his manager wants to get rid of it is that he sees it as waste of space and detrimental to his vision as a forward thinking library manager.
The researcher is consciously aware of the inherent conflict in their positions. As “second-in-command” and having expressed his concerns, he agrees to disagree; and supports the position of his manager to the rest of the department, despite his expressed concerns. He accepts the reality, knows the reasons why, he chooses his battle, and so, can carry on with his work without resistance and subsequent loss of energy.
Recognizing the difference between acceptance versus resignation in behavior is not always easy. Can you identify examples of behavior indicative of resignation vs acceptance? How might you detect the difference? How do you know when you are in full agreement/ when you have fully accepted a situation? Does acceptance or resignation affect your energy levels – your ability to participate? If so, how?
Acceptance is Life Affirming
Even when faced with an unchosen, disagreeable and challenging situation you can still willingly choose to accept it.
Victor Frankl’s experience in the Bergen Belzen concentration camp led him to the conclusion that It was due to his and others’ suffering in these camps that even in the most absurd, painful and dehumanized situation, life has potential meaning and that therefore even suffering is meaningful. (Wikipedia)
If a prisoner felt that he could no longer endure the realities of camp life, he found a way out in his mental life – an invaluable opportunity to dwell in the spiritual domain, the one that the SS were unable to destroy. Spiritual life strengthened the prisoner, helped him adapt, and thereby improved his chances of survival. p.123, Man’s Search for Meaning
In a situation that challenges us, our focus shifts away from the personality we’ve constructed, the ego, and our desire for life and commitment to connect to the authentic self within, possibly discovered in our moment of crisis, generates the trust, faith and courage required to face the uncertainty and live the moment.
The opportunity exists for our higher, authentic Self to show up in our lives when we experience crises with our health, faith or direction. When illness, nervous breakdown, loss, injury or failure hits, we slow down creating an opportunity for us to get in touch with this deeper core of our essential being.
If we recognize that we are alienated, disassociated from our authentic, larger, more expansive Self, we can make a choice. If we resist our reality, our situation may worsen and we could move toward fear, grief, depression, despair and powerlessness. The choice is Self-negating. If we move to accept the situation, we acknowledge and affirm ourselves and move toward self-acceptance and acceptance of our reality. To choose life, we surrender our ego. The surrender of the ‘ego’ makes space for the authentic, radiant and iridescent Self to manifest. Tuning into and acknowledging our feelings, staying there and not moving away no matter how great the pain, helps us accept the reality of the moment and 16connect to inner guidance, inner resources through connection to our higher Self to guide our next move.
The journey to acceptance may take us through an expansive range of emotional states from fear, depression & powerlessness, hatred, blame, doubt, frustration, pessimism to hopefulness, expectation, knowledge and empowerment.
Can you identify an experience or situation in your life that was a challenge for you to accept and why?
What about a situation where you resigned yourself despite knowing better? How did you express resignation? How did it make you feel? What were the factors that led you to take this position?
Now, see if you can identify a situation in which you or someone you know shifted from a position of resignation to acceptance. How did each of the positions held (resignation, acceptance) affect the person’s energy level? What happened that allowed the person to shift? What behavior and emotion did each position give rise to?
Empowerment Coaching
As a coach, I help my clients shift perspective and recognize their role/responsibility in the situation which inevitably shifts their attitude from one of resignation to one of acceptance, empowering them to move forward – consider their options, choose and take action.
We have emotional responses to all sensory stimuli – we may just not be aware of them. Tuning in and acknowledging our feelings as they occur, helps us know ourselves, our preferences, orientations and helps us learn what we can do to balance our energy and manage our stress.
Befriending our emotions – a six step process:
- Recognize, acknowledge, name it
As soon as you feel a change in your emotions recognize and acknowledge it. Name it (See the emotional scale above).
- Process it
Analyze what it was that affected the change. Did you gain or lose energy? Take note. Was the catalyst internal or external to you? If external, address it. You may feel transgressed/intellectually put down, emotionally not respected. Let the other know that you know.
- Consider next steps
Embrace the feeling – go into it. Consider the impact? What is the appropriate response, if any? Choose your next thought and watch the impact on your emotional scale (is it up or down).
- Respond
Prepare and deliver your response with outcomes in mind. Monitor your barometer. Pay attention to what feels right for you and respect and honor yourself. You can invite a challenge when you’re ready, on your terms.
- Assess Outcome
Where are you on the scale? Higher or lower?
- Plan your next move!
About Julia von Flotow
