It’s the dramas in life, the story we tell ourselves and each other that get us entangled and stuck. A conflict, whether with yourself or another, is a variation on this theme. It’s an entanglement. Some people, addicted to drama, seek out conflict. It feeds their passion and makes them feel alive and strong. Others like conflict especially if they win. They see conflict as a means of honing their skills and thrive by gaining attention – by winning at no matter what cost and to whom.
A great coaching question I learned from another coach to help clarify intent is when your client feels caught in a conflict, is
“Is it more important to you to be right or is it more important to you to be happy?”
That question stops people in their tracks and helps them see the motivations behind their action. Once a choice is made between “right” and “happy” I will know how to coach them. Most of my coaching clients care more about being happy than right….I suspect those that choose right, may not be coachable, but they may be trainable because they do want to win….the question is “at what cost” and “to whom”?
Those that choose “happy” as their primary value in the situation have chosen to align themselves with their heart – with what feels right for them – what brings them peace and harmony.
When they see themselves from this fresh perspective, as entangled in a conflict and not liking it and wanting out – wanting change, we are at a good place to begin a change process made possible through choice, through mindfulness coaching.
7 Steps to Transformation
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Clarify Intention
Once we’ve assessed the situation and accepted the reality – “I’m in a conflict I don’t want to be in”, the client is ready to create a vision of what they want and set an intention. I help them validate and clarify their intention with reference to how much they want it (desire), how important it is for them (purpose) and their willingness to take action to realize it. We check their intention against their feeling barometer – how does it make them feel? Does it give them energy? If yes, then it’s an empowering choice and we can move on to the next step.
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Shift Perspective
With the new perspective of choice created in step one, I ask my client to assess the situation from a great distance and from various perspectives. What do they see? What is the dynamic at play? Who are the players? What’s driving the action? What’s at stake for each? Is there a history in this dynamic? Etc. Shifting perspectives unlocks and softens the rigid mental framework fostered through the conflict to create awareness.
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Increase Empathetic Awareness of Self and Other
Shifting perspective gives rise to insight fostering a sense of inner spaciousness. No longer locked in and feeding the fight, the client can now acknowledge and recognize the pattern of conflict at play. In the process, the client sees how the two players are both victim and perpetrator of their own mental and behavioural patterns and the social pattern that they’ve become caught up in. This insight creates an opportunity to feel compassion for self and empathize with the other, further softening the rigid mental structures and allowing themselves to get in touch with how they feel.
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Reflect on Insights
Step three gives rise to a new kind of awareness – direct knowledge gained through felt experience that’s highly personal and, as such, transformational. This step is best supported by the coach creating and holding the space, a compassionate presence, powerful questions that help the client create self awareness which gives rise to respect resulting in the dawning of hope and an inspiration of creative possibilities to choose from.
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Identify Terms and Conditions
The client cannot always articulate their fears or stress triggers. By helping them define their terms and conditions and clarifying boundaries in relationship to self and others and how they want to uphold them, their fears and stress triggers come to light.
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Share Insights
Supporting the client in expressing their thoughts and feelings builds trust, self-confidence and the courage to act.
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Develop Action Plan
Having transcended the situation and seen it for what it is, empathized with the other, assessed the situation and created an alternative, more desirable scenario with clear terms and conditions to guide decision making, the client is now ready to design a plan of action.
The coaching relationship gives the client the supportive structure to aid them in giving themselves permission to explore their options and experiment with style and technique.
We’re in this together, the client and I. Helping them discover creative ways to modify their attitude and behaviour and challenge and support them in testing and challenging their assumptions empowers them to act with confidence and courage and as they put these principles into practice, they become more capable of responding rather than reacting.
The 7 steps above, when repeated with coaching support, will help you create the inner capacity to feel deeply, think clearly and act wisely and, with time, be your authentic, mindful self at your best.
About Julia von Flotow
